How Querying a Novel Can Feel Like Dating
Advice on finding "The One" from CeCe Lyra, an agent at P.S. Literary Agency.
This week, we are excited to welcome the podcast host of and literary agent at P.S. Literary Agency, . In her essay, CeCe explains how querying agents for representation can feel very similar to the world of dating while offering some tips on how to make the process a little less daunting.
If an author wishes to be traditionally published, they will likely search for a literary agent, a process known in the industry as querying.
In its simplest form, querying consists of submitting a letter and writing sample in the hopes of securing literary representation. But anyone who has been in the querying trenches knows that it can feel grueling, competitive, and… complicated. As a literary agent, I often find myself resorting to analogies to make sense of this stage in a writer’s journey. At first, I resisted the often-used dating analogy: I worried it would sound creepy, drawing a parallel between romance and business. I had no interest in being creepy. But soon, I realized that, for better or for worse (ha!), it’s a fitting comparison.
Below are six ways in which querying can feel like dating.
1. You have to put yourself out there
Imagine talking to a friend who is vocal about wanting to find love, yet they never make the effort to meet people or go out on dates. Chances are this person isn’t going to match with a mate—not for lack of awesomeness, but for lack of trying. Love does not knock on doors, and neither do book deals.
Writers must actively submit their works to agents if they ever hope to find one. I get it: exposure can be daunting, but it’s necessary. Being outspoken about wanting a career as an author is not enough (though, yes, that can be scary, too).
2. Kissing frogs is inevitable
“Nobody likes to be rejected” is a widely accepted sentiment. I think it’s only partly true, though. Nobody likes to be rejected as it’s happening. Talk to any happily married person and you’ll hear them express how, in retrospect, they’re grateful to the ones who turned them down because, while it hurt at the time, they wouldn’t have met their spouse if they had been stuck with the wrong person. This logic applies to querying, too. You will get rejected—it’s inevitable.
But after landing your dream agent, you’ll be thankful to the ones who passed on the chance to work with you. In fact, one of my clients wrote about just that in her newsletter,
. It’s true on the agent side, too: I’m grateful to the agents who rejected my clients so that they could find me.3. You’re looking for The One, not just anyone
The adage No agent is better than a bad agent is popular for a reason: it’s true. The agent-client relationship is a partnership, and singledom is preferable to a dysfunctional (or even just lackluster) union. Think of all the harm that a bad mate can bring to one’s life. Yes, partnerships can be dissolved, but much like with romantic breakups, the dissolution process is seldom un-traumatic—and parting ways with someone doesn’t erase the past.
The querying process is so competitive that often writers feel like getting an agent—any agent— is necessarily a lucky break. But a bad agent can damage your career. You wouldn’t advise a friend to get married to someone who didn’t make them feel valued and appreciated just to have a ring on their finger. The same logic applies to querying: do not settle.
4. Desperation is unattractive
Imagine you’re on a date and the first thing the person says to you is, “I’m really adaptable, so tell me what your dream partner is like, and I’ll become them!” Are they now more attractive to you? No, of course not. Their heart might be in the right place, but you’ve taken time out of your day to get to know who they are. You don’t want to hear that they’ll tailor their personality to suit you; you’re not looking for a robot.
Most people understand this instantly and intuitively in the dating world: desperation is unattractive. And yet, literary agents often get queries that include a variation of, “If you don’t like something about this story, please know that I’d be happy to edit anything and everything,” or “Tell me what kind of story you’re looking for, and I’ll write it.”
I’m sorry to say that lines like these do not make the writer more attractive. I recognize the good intentions behind them: writers are hoping to demonstrate that they’re flexible, open to notes. (And that’s great because working with an agent is a collaborative process!) But don’t lead with it, especially not in such a desperate-sounding way. Having a clear vision for your story is attractive. Confidence is attractive.
5. Be confident, not arrogant
Lest my previous point be misunderstood, let me be clear: confidence is not arrogance. Just as you would not want to continue seeing someone who kicks off a first date with, “I am the best person you’ll ever date!” no agent wants to review a query that begins with, “This is the best book in all of bookland!” In my years as an agent, I have absolutely finished a manuscript only to think, “Holy moly, this is the best novel in the world!” But it was the pages that prompted me to feel that way—not a promise in a query letter.
Let your pages speak to your talent. It might not be fair, but it is human nature: hearing wildly positive statements about oneself (or one’s work) causes most humans to instantly doubt its veracity. (The same is not true of gushing about someone else’s work, which is why you should want your agent to be obsessed with your story.)
6. Your friends are a lifeline
What’s your first impulse after a particularly bad date? Chances are you want to vent to a friend. Having people in your life who know what it’s like to be single and looking—and who understand how frustrating it can be to try and fail—is invaluable. Similarly, cultivating a group of writer friends who understand the trials and tribulations of querying can be a lifeline. Water the friends who understand that your writing goals are important to you, and who will be there during the bad times with validation, encouragement, and chocolate.
In the dating world, those friends will step up to celebrate your wedding day—and other romantic milestones. In the publishing world, they will make it to your acknowledgments. And hopefully, you will make it to theirs, too.
What do you think of the parallels between querying and dating? I’m curious to hear your thoughts!
Cecilia “CeCe” Lyra is a literary agent at P.S. Literary Agency representing adult fiction and nonfiction. A long-term strategic thinker, CeCe prioritizes the creative reach and sustainable longevity of her authors’ careers, and she is especially looking for clients with whom she can build fruitful, lasting relationships. CeCe believes that stories are empathy generating machines capable of healing, connecting, and enacting true change. As a mixed race Latinx immigrant, CeCe understands the power of seeing oneself reflected in books, hence her passion for championing under or misrepresented voices and narratives. She is also the co-host of the popular podcast, The Shit No One Tells you About Writing, which has over three million downloads.
With dating you meet someone and it either works out or doesn't. Because agents get more than a thousand manuscripts a year, querying is more like being on "The Bachelorette;" there's a mob of guys performing to get the attention of one gal. It's as much about playing the odds as being the perfect mate.
I don't think dating fits just right as a metaphor for querying. I've never gone on 95 dates and not had a single response (I'm not that bad looking). To me, it's more like fishing. You have a lure you hope attracts interest and you cast it into different pools hoping for a strike and keep walking through the waters and banks and looking for new holes to cast in and never getting a nibble and finally concluding you have the wrong lure or you're a poor fisherman and should take up golf.